Finding Strength, In not So weak places

         Sitting down on my futon, with a white t-shirt covered in blood, I inspected the pool of tears left on my lap where her head was laying, thinking "dam this is hell." The Police officer on the scene told me "this too shall pass," to pissed to understand I brushed the phrase off and fell deep within my hopeless mind. 

  My head was pounding, the screaming in the next room stopped the blue and red lights faded as the police went off, and It was QUIET in the HOUSE. My thoughts 

E-c-h-o-e-d in this silence....Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr, the door from across the hall opened, and all of sudden 3 pairs of wide eyes were looking at me.

    At once, I snapped back from that endless abyss of time and space that held my thoughts captive. " Man you guys need stop wearing my clothes to bed, it is a shirt, not a night gown," I said in a stern manner. "We're hungry," my little brother cried.

       It was apparently feeding time. After all that occurred, it was sobering cooking for these little ones, I wonder how much they actually absorbed. "Shit," I burned myself, hard to believe my body is still numb from all the fighting. The youngest tugged at my shirt, "your not going to be mean to us anymore are you. " What," I said in shock "remember when mommy and daddy were..." 

        While looking at the fresh burn on my hand, I remembered. Things were going to get really bad, when my brother and step dad were bowing up to each other, but before things got to blows my mother grabbed my older sister and through her to the floor. So I quickly grabbed the hands of my youngest sibling and pulled them to the nearest room My little sister begin to pull away, screaming and hitting my arm, "I want to see mommy." With thunder and all the rage I could muster I screamed "GET IN THE FUCKING ROOM!!!" instantly regained my composure, with a drill sergeant like spirit I instructed the oldest "get in the room, close the door, lock it, and don't leave into the noise stops," Like a soldier she responded sharply.

       I crouched down"No sweetie I'm not going to be mean anymore I love you very much, and your food is going to get cold, so less talking and more eating." With a mouth full of unprocessed food, she muttered "good, I like you when you're nice, not when you're not nice." 

Too excited to sleep, they asked for stories, to calm their spirits and one by one they fell to sleep. I slept at the foot of their bed, to make sure they were safe.

            I woke up to a numbing sensation in my right arm. "Ok, I need to get up," I said to myself in a rather decrepit voice. When I finally opened my eyes, I came to find, these three little ones had migrated from the bed, to the floor to my back and for arm, huddled like penguins. My oldest little sister ten said " we didn't want the bed monster to get you."

           Thinking long and hard " shit, was I protecting them last night or were they protecting me." Now at the ripe old age of twenty one and years of age perfecting the art of procrastination, of course while in the library at my college typing away. I know now "if I did not stand for them, I would have fallen for myself."

The Amphibian

 

 

Amphibian, the first thing I got right the first time I felt I mattered to someone, was when I spelled this word that had four syllables and had a P and an H instead of an F.

In the 3^rd grade only one out of twenty students in my class got this correct and I was the student.

 My teacher was so proud and she wanted to thank my parents for helping me.

 If only she knew, I wish she knew, I hated her for not knowing.

Not knowing that there are others words you could not have paid me to spell like, parents, safety or love.

 But I could spell broken just fine.

False Pretense

          Your existence is based on the people you meet and all experience's you have gained. You can visit another country and still be the same shallow shell as you once were before you left or you can do the same mind altering drug, and when you come down from that high be the same bum you were when you left with nothing to offer this would but wasted time and space. 

         Only experiences that are guided by selfless intent can beneficial to your sentient being. It is the inert animal urge that one must break free from to claim his humanity. The urge that fills the cup until it overflows it is the natural greed that causes man to sell his heart for moments titillation, then act under the pretense that regardless of his own actions one is to be exonerated.

Dream Capture

     At an adolescent age, I wanted to protect everyone, and preserve everything.  The snails my older brother would crush beneath his toes, "I still can remember the crunching in my ears, feeling the sting of tears burning my eyes as they tickled my cheeks and of course the drowned out screams of a five year old."

        My earliest memories consisted of collecting all the bugs I thought of as nice and placing them into jars with dirt and a small tree branch with leaves. So they would be safe, but at the age of five I came to a startling realization. Even with all the nourishment a five year old could provide to these little creatures! I was wrong about their life of freedom and prosperity “they are in a trap."

          Unknowingly the attempt to give them a life of peace and solitude, I had taken the only thing they had in the world, “their freedom." I would watch as the snails and black ants try to make their way  out instinctively they knew to climb, but to no avail as  heavy iron cap would stop them. One day all the bugs in the jar were not there.

           After closely inspecting the jar, I found all the animals clinging to the top of this jar. They continued to hold their position at the top of the jar, but one by one they all fell to dust. Once again I was crying but for a more grandiose reason. I only could imagine how God feels watching his children suffer a life of such decadence while not being able to intercede.

          It is but human nature to try and manufacture utopia, giving up freedom in turn. Only true divinity, that is on marred by zeal judgment, can elaborate this realization, and showing the greatest example of divinity act on it.

I had a Dream

My friend told me a story, the same story that everyone else has told me. "I am going to get a college degree so I can go and accomplish someone else's dream!" is that true, if that is what this degree is for, I am in the wrong place; I say this because I have a dream of my own to fulfill. A real dream, a child's dream, one that  guides me.

I had a dream that one day, we might meet and no longer be strangers because in the end, we will all greet our creator the same.

I had a dream that equality is not viewed as some ideology or romanticism, but the minimum standard.

I had a dream that one day my nieces can look up in the mirror, stand proud, unshaken by the phrase "I am beautiful and nothing’s wrong with me."

I had a dream that man will choose the right way, not the fast way, the cheap way or the way least from harm.

I had a dream that men of true character will not bow, under the tumult of today, understanding that all men bend but, we must never break.

I had a dream that we the people, will no longer be cheapened, that we the people will no longer be belittled that we the people will stand up, and say " Not One Man, NOR ALL men can put a price on the soul."

   But I woke up, and realized that this degree, puts meaning to our lives so on it,my faith for humanities dies 

because a piece of paper judges who we are, not the content of our lives. 

Adolescent Suicide

       



                    We are fronted but broken words, to explain our fragile lives.The words are broken but lies,  glue, only to force the soul to walk on glass in sole less shoes.

        Love crumbles as if brittle clay and the as the souls, worn by time break. Eyes longing to be kissed fall then fade  asleep, ignorance coded in  bliss... Piercing the vain, with its syringe

      We all try to run, but the needles have bitten the flesh and their insides in time. Taint the rest. The bliss, saturated in ignorance leaves nothing left.

              Left of me, the laughs and screams all stop, the happy ends, the soul drops. We all force grins to hide pain, as if smiles could be cropped.

          It is always assumed, hearts are to be placed back together with ease, so we forge unbreakable locks, forgetting to make keys.

          Then have all denied you, but when the end comes, may we die with our eyes open like we never defied you, praying these locked hearts are looked over.

         Our hearts are nothing more then rotting in a piles flesh, being chewed up in spit on devoured by flies for food, placing anxious, eggs inside you.

          But never mind flies, it’s the maggots that drive through, inside, never to be seen, by the world you lie too, but hidden in a dark place like the pillow you cry to.